The word community gets tossed around a lot in reference to CrossFit. Now more than ever, during the open, people feel an overwhelming sense of connection with their fellow athletes. The leader board units us all in our collective struggle for self improvement, a fact that can be both parts beneficial and detrimental; More often detrimental to work productivity because if you are anything like me you check your standings every seven and a half minutes. Yes I timed it. As accommodating as our community is there are a couple of surefire ways to see yourself, even if temporarily, on the the outside of it. Here is a list of things that every wanna be outcast should practice…..
1.) When visiting a new gym for a drop in make sure to head directly over to the record board and let the coach on duty know that you can easily crush all of their gym records. While you’re at it be sure to scoff at all previous times for the workout of the day. Right before the workout starts be sure to let everyone know that you’ve already done three other workouts today (all of which you’ve crushed because you’re fucking elite!) The preemptive excuse is always helpful when every single person dominates your time.
2.) Letting people know how elite you are. Seriously this applies to your home box or when visiting others. People aren’t going to know how elite you are unless you tell them because let’s be honest the leader board is full of shit! I know for a fact that every person that is currently ahead of me cheated their reps!
3.) Cheat your reps. Look it’s simple, no one really cares about full range of motion. No one…. I mean NO ONE takes Adrian Bozman
and his “Rules” seriously. Have you seen his facial hair? If Lucas Parker was the head judge of the CrossFit Games then of course you would make sure that your chest touches the bar, that guy is a fucking yeti and could physically rip your arms off.
4.) Make sure to cover yourself head to toe in Reebok CrossFit gear. This is the only way that people will know that you are elite simply by looking at you. Have you seen the new CrossFit arm sleeves? Shit yeah! My elbows just got 15% fitter!
5.) Excessively make jokes with the punch line “My box” or “I’ve got a nice snatch” or “I blew my WOD today” BONUS if you do this in the company of non Elite fitness participants! DOUBLE BONUS if you hashtag that shit!
6.) Chalk! USE. MORE. OF. IT. Seriously, moisture kills eliteness. I once saw a guy use more white powder pre WOD than Whitney Houston could ever fit up her nose for a workout that involved only burpees and box jumps. I wasn’t thinking, “fuck you guy! I have to mop that floor!” No way… I was thinking, “This dude is ELITE!”